Going to the movies was very special to me and it was known in the family that I had a great love of movies.

We would usually go to the metal quonset hut style theater in Carmel, the next town over. Oddly enough, in those days though Mahopac was a bigger and busier town than Carmel we never had our own movie theater.

The first thing I always prayed for was that there would be a cartoon, which there usually was. These were the great Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck cartoons, with glorious color and smooth hand-drawn animation. 

The next thing I would pray for is that the featured movies would be in color. At that point black and white was very disappointing, and the glory of that big-screen glowing in Technnicolor was pure joy.

During the movies themselves I was utterly transported, whether the movie was funny or sad, good or bad, didn’t matter to me. I was taken in by every movie.

And then we would drive home, which was trouble for me. Because I was utterly enraptured by the movies, experiencing what I secretly labeled “A Feeling of Greatness.” I would be so filled with powerful emotions that my chest would seem swollen with the feelings.

I never told my family about my precious and powerful feeling of greatness that I held and cherished after each trip to the movies.

Because the rest of the family didn’t share that feeling, or if so, never let on. Typically they would start to review the movies on the drive home and typically shred them with every sort of critique: political, artistic, acting. Few movies escaped the meatgrinder family critique. 

And I would try not to hear any of it. I would sit there and replay the two movies, starting with the first one, scene by scene, as best as I could recall, then the second movie, scene by scene.

I remember thinking that even the silliest comedy would still fill me up with A Feeliing of Greatness.

I would never defend any of the movies or even pipe up to say I liked a movie that was on the family chopping block.

Perhaps, if the family really liked a movie, I might speak up and mention something that I liked about it, but usually kept all my thoughts and feelings safe inside.

I wonder now if that ritual, seeing movies and being filled with those powerful feelings, was a sort of replacement for the absolute lack of any religious ritual or observance at home.

I would guess that for kids who went to weekly services of some kind – that the serious mood and powerful stories might fill a child with A Feeling of Greatness. But at least for me, the great feelings I got from movies were free of guilt and fear. Movies never made me fear the wrath of a god. It was hit or miss whether movies provided the moral or spiritual guidance that one might hope to get from religion.

It was when I went off to college – and joined the MIT Film Society – that the Feeling of Greatness evaporated. We loved movies but were more analytical and talked about tracking shots, framing, and other “language of film” concepts that deepened my understanding and appreciation for movies, but left no room for any Feeling of Greatness, swelling in my chest, after watching a movie.